still small voice

damn...

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 21:27:19 GMT

i have to put my dog to sleep. it's been a good 15 years...i'll miss you buzby.

The Reawakening: A Quest into the Unknown Subconscious.

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:20:21 GMT

Has it really been 9 years? How could a decade have passed me by without being able to even realize it? Maybe I did, and perhaps now I can actually admit it to myself. My lost friends: the brush and the canvas. How did I ever forget you? Why did I punish you by suppressing the creative flow for almost ten damn years? It seems like yesterday when the three of us would spend hours together. I remember the colors. How could I turn my back on the vibrant energy revealing itself with each brush stroke? As I return to the canvas, I am confronted with a question. What is missing? Have I been so caught up with this mundane life around me where my only outlet was to alter my mind instead of the hue? Searching for these answers has turned into introspective day dreams.

Remembering those childish giggles as the pigments transform in front of me could be compared to that feeling one gets on Christmas morning. That bit of excitement which overwhelms the soul while patiently waiting for mom and dad to give the OK. A gift will be exposed once the paper is torn off. Waiting inside the box is everything that one could hope for. How could I grow up and forget that feeling of wanting more and more with each rip that crackles through the air? I can only assume that my attempts at maturity have only failed me. Growing up and programming myself to believe that what I was doing is wrong. I kept telling myself that there was no hope if I were to continue down that creative road. I would find myself misled, and standing in the middle of a one way dead-end without an outlet. There would be no turning back. Sit down, and wait for the sun to set. The end is just around the corner. I'm feeling sleepy, and I need to close my eyes. Maybe this is all a dream?

I really don't know what shook me out of that hellish nightmare. Ten years later, I find myself on the same road that I thought creativity would lead me. I duped myself. How stupid could I actually be? I thought that I had been playing my cards right the entire time. I put in all my chips and the dealer took it all. How did the house win? How could I regain such a loss, and at what expense? Could I just turn around and fight to take back what is rightfully mine? Damn right I can! Grab the dealer by the throat and squeeze. Shake out every last bit of life that was taken from me. It's mine, and no fool will take it from me again. I didn't fight to give it up, but I will die trying to get it back. There is no room for crying, just go for that fat throat screaming, "I'm taking it back, I'm taking it all back!" So I did.

Fighting to take control is no easy task. The battles are intense, and some of them must be lost. Learning from my mistakes rather than repeating them is no easy task. The mind says to go when the heart says stop. I had to go back and figure it all out for myself again. I couldn't figure out where to start. The new canvas is blank and I could still not take the first stoke. I took a step back to stare at the void. I had to get back to that place where I knew what I was doing is right. I realized it wasn't a color that's missing when I look at the canvas. It was me.

holy hell. i remembered my password.

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:35:51 GMT

it's been a while. does anyone still use this thing? in a world of myspace, it's possible however not probable. i can't believe that i haven't written in this thing in over a year. strange.

well, things are good for the most part. i live on my own again, and that's neat. i've been growing vegetables, and playing music (still). um...whatelse...OH YEAH, i race bikes and shit like that.

ok, well i'm at work and i have too much time with too little to do. if anyone is still out there...HELLO! it's me, kevin, and i'm alive.

breakdown in transmission? i think not!

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 23:30:30 GMT

so, yeah. it's been a long time since my last entry. i was at work the other day and realized that i have forgotten about this live journal shit. i decided to login and take a gander at what's going on with people that i haven't spoken a word to in quite some time. so, i decided to write about some shit today. i've been writing a lot in my own books for a while. things have changed and i'm looking at life through a different set of eyes. i would say that i see everything with some yellow. but that's besides the point. to get back on track, i'd just say that life has been nothing but a vortex. sometimes, you just have to let go and drop into the black hole. you never know what's on the other side. i'm pretty chill now. for the past few months i've been working as a test tech and making myself better off. i'm also in school (again), and continuing on my path with that as well. i honestly don't know where it's actually leading, but hey, that's what makes it interesting. i've also been doing a lot with my music. i've been actively playing the six gun again while writing some lyrics and shit on the side. i've been jamming with some brothers of mine and starting to form some good shit. it's just a start, but it's sort of a reunion with one of them. it's was nice to rock out and crank it loud for the first time in almost, what, 7 years? i'm happy with it and that's all that matters. we do have some pretty cool tunes in the making...i'm drawing and shit too. i drew up a tat that i am going to get pretty soon. it's going to be freehand, so that's tight. i'm looking forward to getting that done. i have a girl friend, who i've been with for almost a year. i'm not going into that in this post, but she is amazing. maybe she had a thing for a drunk bum with too much time on his hands. what ever it is, i like having her around. i ride my bike all the time. i average twelve miles a day, five days a week. on the weekend, i ride all over st. pete for about 8 hours while my woman is at work. i love my fucking bike. and my guitar, and my crack head dog that seems to be my shadow. i love him too. anyways, i think this is getting long so i am cutting it off now.

peace, love, hardcorps!

memories of an infamous night (perception)

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 07:03:35 GMT

the headlights reflect off the wet black street, the motor was running and i still hear the last mix you burned. the clock on the dash read quarter 'till 3. it was too late to turn back, we were too far beyond the point of no return.

we were moving way too fast , and to think we were invincible and that this would always last. as we moved forward, something told be to go back because the path we're on will lead us straight into a disaster.

i remember how hard you held my hand. this is my last memory before the bright lights from the van. the impact came from the left and i thought i heard you start to scream. but everything after that seems like a bad dream.

i see unfamiliar faces, and people running wild as the flashing lights of salvation rush to the scene.

you were trapped and unaware of the raging inferno. i tried to help you out, but it was useless it seems.

but i know you were safe because of the look on your face when you finally came back to me.

then i feel the cold pain, as it slowly creeps it's way up my spine. you asked if me if i was ok, i told you that i was just fine.

you told me to relax, and then you came in close for a last kiss, the shooting stars in the black beach sky told me that it was something not to miss.

bored....

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 19:23:14 GMT

i'm so damn bored right now. the mates are at work and i am chillin out in the apartment. tomorrow i am taking my piss test and then getting my job at nature's finest foods. FINALLY!

anyways, tomorrow i need to call my old boss and get the rest of the money he owes me. it sucks when you have no food and rent to pay. but hey, that's life. i'm just a starving artist.

i'm going to grab my pack and go for a walk. i like walking. it's still honest.

it's really been a long road...

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 16:20:45 GMT

the past year has really been something. looking back, i realized that it was all worth it. breaking up, getting drunk, moving away, and joining the marines. it was all fucking worth it. this year started off pretty cool. i'm living back in the burg, and my roommates are so fucking rad. we just chill out and have good times. it almost seems like that is the only thing to do hear in FLA. this place sucks. i don't want to waste any ones time, so i will quit bitching.
anyways, i have no phone, so if you want to talk either IM me or get a myspace like the rest of the world. my car is dead because it started on fire. the band is the shit. i just got a job at nature's finest foods. yeah! so all the mates are going to up the nature punx! anywho...anyone out there going to warped tour this year?? some good bands, but i am going to throw shit at spenceroath....fuck them. i heard their new shit like a month ago. yes, before it was released. i'm slick like that. it blew!! seriously, i vomited in my mouth...what the fuck happened to UNDEROATH??? so yeah, i am going to go and throw shit at them and tell them that they aren't welcome in the burg. there are much better bands that people should be listening too instead of jumping on the bandwagon... educate yourself with GOOD music. shit that will make you think. use your fucking brain....

florida will sink. i am going to make sure of that.

rock and roll bandit....

Tue, 30 May 2006 20:02:31 GMT

i'm alive...check out myspace (see previous entry for address)

hit me up...

REEAD

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 06:46:19 GMT

ok, i haven't been on the thing for a long ass time, those of you who would be interesten in some good reading matierial...go check out www.myspace.com/thekevo82

let me know how you like it...this goes out to ALL OF YOU

the kevo has returned...but not on this fucking journal..

the final showdown.

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 05:24:13 GMT

have i actually spent these past years lying to myself? have i convinced myself that god won't help me? i think i have. i think, well actually i know. i have lost my faith. i have lost my heart. i have even lost my mind. i don't have anything anymore. it's just me, being 23 and sleeping on a couch in my old room at my parents house. someone told me that they admired me because i keep pushing forward. i will do that. i'm not going another day ignoring the truth. ignoring the facts that are surrounding my life right now. i drink to much, among other things. i need to break free.

i am an addict. addicted to many different things. i don't want to be one anymore. what happened to me? how did i let my life get so low. i don't know. have you ever heard that old saying "it's always darkest before dawn"? i have. many times.

i hope something happens soon. it's looking pretty dark right now. evil is around me. i feel death. i hope i can make it through this night. i'm sick of feeling dread. where is my happiness? where is my love? where are you, father?

something i'm working on that reminded me of someone who is always on my mind:

"i'll stay right here. i'll never disappear, and i'll be with you...someday"

how many times have i said "someday" to her? it's time to change that once and for all.

what an interesting morning....

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 14:53:35 GMT

well today i'm in a chipper mood (note the sarcasm). woke up before the sun peeked out of the shadows. my brain was still in a fog. it's been that way for a couple of weeks. i've just been in this deep thought process. i think about a lot of things. i don't know, i guess it's why i don't talk that much. those of you that know me know i'm pretty quite at times. i get in a funk. that's what i call them. it's this time frame that lasts a month or so and i have to learn how to readjust my life in order to survive. you dig so far? i hope so. anyway, this morning i was thinking about this talk i was having with brent. i told him last night that we need to go back to church. we were talking about our band and such when i decided that i wanted to go to church this sunday in palm harbor. or st. pete, but still, it's a thought i've been having. i know that i'm pretty lost. i need some help. anywho i was thinking about going to church this sunday. my life has become pretty crazy. i feel like it's becoming some sort of mundane drudgery. i think it's time to give it up.

yeah, it's time.

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 05:08:19 GMT

looking back on the year that past, i've decided to give up. i'm done fighting for things that won't happen. i'll see you all around sometime....

later.

i'm going for broke....

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 06:24:06 GMT

first of all, i don't care. i don't care that 2005 sucked so much. i learned a shit load of information that will help me for the rest of my life. i learned not to fall in love so damn fast. i learned to stop trying to find love and just let life play out as it may. i'll be much happier with myself if i just calm the fuck down, get some shit straightened out and move the fuck on. my heart doesn't lie in florida. it's else where in the world. i'll find her some someday. and who knows, maybe i did find her. if so, i'll see her again. see a lesson learned. i learned that giving up dreams over a stupid relationship isn't love. it's nothing. that's giving up on life. that's sitting back and waiting to die. that isn't for me. i don't want to be some 50 year old guy that is married works the 9-5 with two kids. the guy that is sick of life and waits for foot ball season because it's the only time he's allowed to drink a fucking beer. fuck that. i want to drink a beer whenever i feel like it. the "hey, i'm alive today. i worked hard...give me a beer!" well, maybe not as much of a redneck, but still, you get the point. i want to be a rock and roll journalist..so fucking what? i want to be in a band that gets to tour. i want to be in a band. that's it. my music is the only thing in my life that lets me relax and enjoy my time. i want to go to school. like i said, to be a writer.

in 2006, i am starting over. i'm giving it my best. i'm giving everything i have to become who i want to be and follow my dreams. so here i am. it's a new year. happy new year everbody. i'll be seeing each of you soon. i miss you guys.

with love..
the one and only

oh yeah: i hope i get this job with this electrical company. it's a good trade to learn and i would make enough to pay my bills and shit off. it's owned by pastors. so, who knows it could be really good for me. i'm prayin...i hope you guy will to.

new york to nowhere, i'm never going to get there.

i can't fight this any more...

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 14:44:14 GMT

ok, i don't know who reads this, if anyone. but a couple of months ago someone popped back in my life. the problem was, i was too fucked up to admit how i really felt. i was afraid of getting hurt. she swore she was different...i wish i took the time to find out. maybe she was. well, since i was too fucked up the last time she called me, i said something i didn't want to say. now, i feel like i've fucked something up. yeah this is a lot more personal but i don't care. i have to get this out.

i know you've read this before. you even told me. i just hope you read this now...

i'm sorry.

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 06:13:13 GMT

sometimes i just want to pull the trigger...

fade to black

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 04:42:36 GMT

i don't know. i think that i think too fucking much. especially lately. things are kind of fucked up right now. it sucks because it's my own damn fault. in fact this entire year has been the most fucked up year of my fucked up life. well, at least the most fucked up since i turned 17. that's when i lost my faith. my faith in god, my faith in my music, my faith in my art...i could go on and on, but i'm sure that you get the point. anyways, it's not like anyone reads this shit. i'm pretty much just talking to myself right now. that's how it always is...

2005...this year has sucked. it went completely downhill on april fucking 1st. my life turned upside down. my ex girlfriend, nicole, told me that i would get back into the same shit that i was doing before i met her...she would be laughing now. it's true. i did. but worse. i did harder drugs and i drank more than ever. i told her that i would "never do that stupid shit again". well...nicole, you were right. i was wrong. i couldn't have been more wrong. oh well..i'm sure that she's better off. i'm just a fuck up. i won't lie...i do miss her. jesus, i was with her for 3 fucking years. i wanted to fucking marry her. i guess this whole break up was gods way of teaching me a lesson. i don't know. perhaps.. well, times change. i apparently don't. i do the same shit i always do. drink, drink, drugs, drink and more drugs...well, not for the past week, or so. i've just been drinking. to me, it's the only fucking way to deal with this fucking pain or whatever the fuck it is that seems to be dicking with my head and heart. what the fuck? i just want this shit to end. it got worse when she decided to pop back in my life. i thought that i was ok with not being around her..it was like 8 months ago..or something like that. fuck...FUCK, FUCK ME. all the abuse i've put my body through is catching up to me. well, i think it is. i'm never happy. i just want to sit in my room and play my bass or some shit like that. i'm so fucked up it's not funny. i think my parents are thinking that i am going to blow myself away or something...i'm NOT. but, still...i've thought about it. who hasn't??
i just wish that i could wake up and it would be december 2004 again. i would be getting ready for my vacation and going to disney world. that was fun...oh well..it used to make me smile. i just don't do that anymore. nothing makes me happy anymore. the only time i am "happy" is when i'm fucked up on something..sucks, i know..but that's how it is right now.

i was happy about 2 months ago..i was in boot camp becoming a Marine. i wanted that more than anything in this world. but in my traditional ways, i fucked that up royally. i don't think i can go back. i would, but fuck. why?? what do i have to look forward to? iraq? killing?? fuck that. i don't know...i want to wake up tomorrow and have it be early august 2005. i wouldn't have done drugs and fucked up my only goddamn chance at changing this shitty life of mine. i'm not trying to sit here and have a pitty party, but my life fucking sucks. all my "christian" friends don't talk to me unless i'm in church. fuck that. i would, and have, tried to stay in touch...my friends don't really want to hear it. so who do i have to talk to?? livejournal...my only fucking friend. well, i have friends...i don't talk to god anymore. i can't do that since i left the island. i've been angry and pissed off at him again...i don't know why...i feel like his plan is to make me feel this pain...this anger of fucking up again, and getting kicked out of the Marines...fuck. i wanted to become a Marine. that is another dead dream....it's over and never coming back...

if i could change one thing right now, i would move to new york or something like that. just get the fuck out of here and start over in the big apple. i wouldn't give a shit if i had no money or food. i'd survive. i always do. i've got some friends there. i really miss them. well..all two of them. to one, i'll just say i tried...i really did. i fucked up..again.

i'm sick of trying to start this fucking band. i'm about to completely give up on it. just say to hell with it and move on. but it's something i have always wanted to do...like the Marines...but hell, i'll probably fuck it up somehow...it's a curse i have. i fuck everything up...school, NY, Marines, NY again, and now this band seems to be next on the list. i hope 2006 is better...

one day...who knows...maybe i'll get out of this shit that i'm in. move on. let it go and shit. improvise, adapt and overcome...maybe the Corps did teach me something....

oh well...once i have some cash, i'm moving out of floriduh...i really want to go to NY. it's alwyas been a dream...

i think it's time to wake up...

ok, well if you actually read this...i'll leave you with the words to my favorite song...

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filing me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now He's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it to late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 21:10:42 GMT

it's been almost two months, and i still want to go back. who knows, i just might. i would have been graduating in 4 days.

i miss the U.S.M.C.

Semper Fi

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 02:44:38 GMT

Fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement. He is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realizing that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor - that is the only way out of a hole. This process of surrender - this movement full speed astern - is repentance.

later...

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 05:57:15 GMT

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can’t be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he’s gone

No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 13:44:03 GMT

Mama they try and break me

The window burns to light the way back home
A light that warms no matter where they’ve gone

They’re off to find the hero of the day
But what if they should fall by someone’s wicked way

Still the window burns
Time so slowly turns
And someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames
Do you feel your name?
Did you hear your babies crying?
Mama they try and break me
Still they try and break me

’scuse me while I tend to how to feel
These things return to me that still seem real

Now deservingly this easy chair
But the rocking stopped by wheels of despair

Don’t want your aid
But the fist I make
For you,can’t hold off fear
No not on me
So please excuse me
While I tend to how I feel

But now the dreams and waking screams
That everlast the night
So build a wall
Behind it crawl
And hide until it’s light
So can’t you hear your babies crying now?

Still the window burns
Time so slowly turns
And someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames
Can’t you hear your name?
Did you hear your babies crying?

But now the dreams and waking screams
That everlast the night
So build a wall
Behind it crawl
And hide until it’s light
So can’t you hear your babies crying now?

Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try
Mama they try
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try
Mama they try

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 15:11:29 GMT

call me crazy, but somehow, in the midst of chaos, i am finding peace.

i wonder. am i the only one in which this is happening to? maybe. maybe not? there has to be another. at least one person, some life form out there has to be going through the exact same thing at the exact same moment as myself. who knows. perhaps i am the only one. destined to walk this road alone. never finding what it is that i am looking for. i know that i am always searching, even though i have no idea what it is that i am searching for. see, i have a map. nothing more. i have no idea where i am because i have a compass that doesn't point north. so day by day, i search. forever headed into the horizon, in search of a dream. that is my chaos. i am always dreaming. i am always looking for something big. maybe this something big is me. perhaps i have been reborn. mentally. i see things through i different set of blue eyes. i feel things through a different set of hands. everything is new to me. everything. the smells. the sights. the people. my senses are on overload. everything appears to be perfect. and then, SNAP! i wake up and realize that i am no longer troubled. i am in peace.

honestly. i wonder, has this ever happened before? if so, then how can something in life occur twice? in two separate individuals, even. perhaps fate has more control then i realize? i don't know. i've never studied that, so i couldn't give an answer, especially a logical answer at this time. i do know that when you have some time to spend by yourself with no friends, no family, no beer, and no cigarettes, life gets pretty hard. all i had was myself. maybe i wasn't really alone? maybe there is someone looking over me at all times? i know that someone has to be watching over me. protecting me at all costs. has that ever happened to you?

anyone, anyone?

I'm not telling you if I did, or if I didn't. But, I did.

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 17:38:00 GMT

I’m finding myself more and more in tune with what’s going on around me. Perhaps this is "life", but how can I compare something to life? Life is the most unpredictable bastard ever created. It changes in a blink on of an eye. Maybe it’s just that. Maybe I like the unpredictability that I love so much. I love not knowing what I am going to do from day to day. I love having to do something totally spur of the moment. Like, waking up in the morning, and watching the sunrise. You can’t help but smile, right? You can’t help but think about things you love or people you care about. Or, at least that’s what I do. I light up a smoke and chill. Sometimes I have a cup of joe .I will sit and gaze. I figure a lot of shit out like that. But hell, I live off of coffee and nicotine. I can’t help that. It inspires me to write. And write. And write. I like that I am at writing songs and shit again. I hated writers block so much. The ironic thing is, I write songs about death, pain, betrayal and breaking ups. Shit like that, you dig? Things that really piss me off, I write a sing about it. I don’t hold back. I just get that ink flowing. I used to write love songs and shit like that. Wait until you read my new shit. Maybe it will help you see how different I actually am. How fucked I actually am. I mean, shit, the Marines totally fucked me up. Not “fucked”, meaning “bad”. I can’t explain this feeling. I mean it as if it got me off on this high that won’t dribble away. I am still riding that wave. Call it brainwashed? I don’t know, maybe. But you will see for yourself someday. I’m off in my own world. In this world, I am a god. You dig?

welcome to my nightmare

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 16:15:50 GMT

i'm beginning to think that i am no longer normal. i have been changed so much, that my parents don't even recognize me. perhaps i am actually normal now? i don't really know. after spending time on the island, i know that i am different. not just physically, but mentally. i've been given my motivation back, and i am ready to pick right back up on my artistic lifestyle. how hard is that to understand? i'm looking for a job, but my back ground will not permit that. sure, i have military training, but that doesn't fucking matter. why do i need to be this big time college grad making 100,000 grand a year? fuck that. this is my fucking life. God made me this way. i am insane. yes, i know this, but i am fucking artist. i need to live a lifestyle that isn't approved by you normals. i will admit, at times i think it would be better to go off on a different path, but when i do that, i get all fucked. the worst fucking things happen to me, and everyone thinks that it's my fault. when i try to walk the straight and narrow path, i get dicked over somehow. i'm sick of that. the same fucked up shit has been happening to me for the past 7 months. my life has gone from bad to worse. i knew that when i got back from the island, i wouldn't be the same. for once, i am not going to allow others to influence me. i am living my own fucking life. i'm getting a job and then i am moving on with my life. i have always wanted to be a musician. now, i am going to. try and get in my fucking way. watch how fast i mow your ass down.

job
apartment
get out of this fucking area

shit. no one understands me. i'm completely wacked out.

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 16:45:47 GMT

too many sleepless nights. i am tired of staring at the ceiling all night. i feel like thats little freaky chick from the ring...

this sucks

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 03:02:26 GMT

faith, it's the only thing i have. i have to keep moving forward. i can't quit. i must keep moving.

semper fi!